every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
