last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
