Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
