1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
