and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
