dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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