FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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