yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
