fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
