I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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