drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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