My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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