Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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