Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
