I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
