boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
