i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize