eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
