my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
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