did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Just pee around me
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
