I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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