oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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