I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
