cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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