Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
