I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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