I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
