Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
