the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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