The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
