There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
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