Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
