My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
