My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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