she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
