Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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