don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Randomize
