dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
