i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Dignity is for republicans.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
