you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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