mondays should just be called national damage control day
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
