Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize