Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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