Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
