things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
