Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
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