I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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