there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
