my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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