Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
