What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize