I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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