I wish I could punch you in the face.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
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