Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
