yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
