My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
