the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
