I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize