I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
