This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
